My Dearest Braedwyn,

It's almost your 7th birthday, or should be on this earthly plane.  I wonder what you'd be into.  What toys would be on your list?  What cake would I be making this year?  Would frosting still be the best part to you?  Would you like David Bowie by now? (Not that I at all knock your cool, ecclectic taste in music).

Your birthday is coming up and it usually means the onset of a deeper depression for me and your Daddy...

Braedwyn would be getting ready for his first year of school in September.  Braedwyn would be doing lots of things.  But who knows what he's doing now? 

I can't stand how much I miss him and long for him, yet I have no choice but to stand it.

I hate waking up to not being with my children, but I continue to wake up...

I long for you so much. 

I love you so much.

I miss you so much.

I think of you so much...

This Wednesday 52 weeks ago today our boy, Braedwyn, left us.  Where did he go? And where is he now?

I have longed to see, smell, touch, and be with Braedwyn every single moment of the last 52 weeks.  That longing has kept him close to me, but from a distance because I actually cannot experience those things. 

I wait patiently for a visit from him...

It is coming up on a year since Braedwyn died.  It seems like an eternity and like yesterday.  I can't write of "moving on" or "things getting better" because there is huge chasm in my heart and soul and between my arms.

I have attempted to get used to life without him here...

Braedwyn's fourth Birthday has come and gone. Yesterday, June 6th, Nicole and I had a remembrance cake, made wishes and blew out some candles. We really couldn't bring ourselves to be celebrating the day, but maybe some time in the future when this day rolls around, we shall be able to truly celebrate our little man.

We both had to work for the earlier part of the day and the latter part was spent in tears, photos and tunes: the three interwoven in a melancholy tapestry...

Since the moment he died I have been caught up with trying to glean some sort of meaning from Braedwyn's untimely passing. Some people have the luxury of certainty provided by the pat answers of their religion of choice or heredity. Nothing so simple satisfies me. I can (and have) entertained a multitude of potential 'answers...