52 Weeks

Nicole Sep 9, 2008

This Wednesday 52 weeks ago today our boy, Braedwyn, left us.  Where did he go? And where is he now?

I have longed to see, smell, touch, and be with Braedwyn every single moment of the last 52 weeks.  That longing has kept him close to me, but from a distance because I actually cannot experience those things. 

I wait patiently for a visit from him.  Will it ever happen?  I don't know. But I will continue to try and find some way of getting in touch with him.  He seems to have visited other people.  Why not me, too?

There is no "getting back to normal", because the normal I was 52 weeks ago is no longer me.  There is now the Nicole without Braedwyn at her side. 

No more taking him on the bus to go shopping and having him help me lug the too many groceries that I had bought. He was great to go shopping with.  No temper tantrums at the checkout line when he saw all the candy within his reach.  (That's not to say he never had them.  He was a strong willed boy who knew what he wanted and was determined to get it.)

He was also a most compassionate kid.  I remember there was a kitty in the street and I was trying to get it to get out of the road so it wouldn't get hit by a car.  Braedwyn started to yell at the cat to move.  He was so passionate in his plea that tears came to his eyes.  He wanted to save that kitty.  I always said we could get a cat one day for him and now that day will never be.

And then there was his "Bollywood" dancing routine.  He would sing "Mumbai, Mumbai" and attempt to make the classical Indian dance moves- introduced by his mother's horrible Bollywood dancing techniques.  He was a great dancer no matter what the music or style of dance.  

I am so happy we all slept in the same bed.  It is like we got double time with him.  It has been wierd having so much space in our bed.  He moved all over the place when he slept, pushing Gregor and I to the very edges of the bed.  For months after he died, everytime I woke and looked at Gregor during his sleep, he had relagated himself to the very edge of the bed. He still does sometimes.

I can laugh sometimes and attempt to enjoy life, but there will never be a "perfect day" again in my life. A perfect day requires Braedwyn.

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